Just Another Manic Monday

I’m nose to the grindstone right now, but after R and I read the following email aloud to her sister, the family decided you need to read it, too. It’s a synopsis of my Monday morning. After I wrote it, I had sweet memories of my younger brother enthusiastically singing along to his favorite song in 1986 – Manic Monday, by The Bangles.

A recap of my morning:

7:50 – Realize bird man coming to give an estimate for the work we should have had done 3 months ago when we had the chance. Get dressed…wait for bird man…check emails b/c obv. bird man is late.

8:30 – Settle in to work on third floor. Hear knock on door. Run down steps with full cup of coffee…nearly trip because I am trying not to spill. Open door and note bird man’s wild red hair. Listen to bird man give a litany of excuses for being late whilst keeping his eyes mostly closed. Ignore his pitiful attempts at humor. Explain situation to him. He says he didn’t know this was a “net job” today and he doesn’t have his equipment. He goes back to his truck to talk with someone.

8:40 – Apply wax to bathroom floor while I wait for frizzy headed bird man.

8:45 – Bird man comes back with estimate, which may be as much as $600-700- b/c he is not sure if he needs a lift. I balk. I say “If you did it for the neighbor for $295 you will do it for me for the same price.” He says they cannot locate the neighbor’s info in system, but asks if I happen to know how much she paid. Stupidly, I answer $295. He records the price. I am now entirely convinced these trips back and forth to the truck are really an attempt to see just how naive I am about the task at hand. I insist it can be done with an extension ladder and if it cannot, I will not hire him. He hems and haws and walks around property and tries to give me some stupid bull shit about how he’s just not sure and he needs to call someone again. It’s obvious I am not going to get any work done, so I begin to sprinkle moss killer on deck after skimming the directions. It says not to apply on windy days. It does not appear too windy, and so I start sprinkling.

8:50 – The wind gusts and blows moss killer powder back into the house and all over the grill.

9:00 – I come to terms with the fact that I will now have to vacuum the house and then mop b/c moss killer is dangerous to small invertebrates, and we have 3 of those.*

9:15 – Bird man has me sign some forms indicating I agree to let him try to do the work tomorrow. I do not give credit card information b/c I don’t want to be charged until I know he can do it for $295 + tax.

9:20 – Bird man leaves and I begin to clean up the mess I have made with moss killer.

9:30-10 – Clean up moss killer mess. Cover grill with poncho. Realize moss killer has likely entered strawberry planter. I do not want to kill anyone who finds those strawberries appealing, so I take down strawberry planter, which nearly breaks and spills two gallons of soil on me whilst I attempt to move it. I waver, and catch it before it breaks. I feel like kicking something but recall that Amanda nearly broke her toe last week after kicking something, so I restrain myself.

10:15-10:30 – Vacuum up the rest of the house b/c now I have the sense that the moss killer is everywhere and I am afraid of the impact on our small invertebrate friends.*

10:35 – Sit down to work

10:40 – Realize I am very hungry and need a snack. Make a snack.

10:41 – As my bread springs from the toaster, I hear London make a rapid, panicked exit from litter box. I know what is coming. I am destroyed.

10:45 – Survey the evidence. Begin spraying carpet cleaner on London’s stray excrement. Look for carnage down the stairs. London thinks I am going into the yard, which is sort of perfect because her intense begging gives me the opportunity to see there is a piece of grass, no wait- it’s bark, hanging from her anus.

10:50 – Quickly grab paper towel, whilst pretending I am going to let cat outside. Remove bark from cat anus.

10:55 – Sit down to work. Write this email.

11:06: *Realize that human fetuses and cats are vertebrates. And the can says it’s harmful to invertebrates. Those are snails. I am an idiot. I do not deserve a PhD in anything but idiocy and unnecessary panic.