Last Friday R woke up and turned to me and said “Wait, that really happened, right?” I think we both feel as though the good news was just a dream. After so much bad news and so much struggle, it’s hard to reorient. It’s like we were in this epic tug-of-war for two and half years and we shoved all other needs aside to just keep pulling with all our strength and all the strength of our close friends and relatives and then suddenly the opposing team just dropped the rope. After so much effort to pull, it’s strange to be met with no resistance. It feels downright unnatural. And now we have to retrain our minds and muscles for a different task.
It’s truly a shock, and I’m still absorbing it.
Our friends and family have been so celebratory. I’m so humbled by the love we’ve received and the joy over our little Beans. Yesterday we received a sweet card from R’s mom, henceforth known only as “Mimi,” a book of photos and my blogposts from my mom, henceforth known as “Jams,”* and a beautiful receiving blanket and festive garland from my neighbor, Amanda, who’s been so supportive along the way. The garland said B-A-B-Y, and came with three extra letters (I-E-S). Until we know for sure (Wednesday!) I’m choosing to believe both our little Beans made it and are nice and settled in utero. So I’ve switched out the letters and strung the garland in my office, where I can see it while I work fast and furiously on my dissertation.
I even bought the Beans their first present from me, a book by Nikki McClure, whose illustrations always make me smile. The book is called Mama, is it summer yet? and it’s the perfect book for our Northwest babes.
*When my brothers were teenagers, my mom used to tease them (and make them laugh) by doing a goofy dance (or “jam”) in the living room to prove she was “hip.” My brother, BK, began calling her Mammer Jammer, and then Jammer, and then, just Jams. That is the grandma name the family chose for her.