You know how babies’ first steps are clumsy and tentative? We’re mimicking that pattern these days. Yesterday I decided that we need to give away the baby stuff we’ve collected over the last two and half years – the crib/toddler bed, stroller & carseat combo, high chair, newborn clothes. A good friend asked if that might be a bit hasty. She said to take life’s transitions slowly. I chewed on that for awhile, and this morning while I stacked up the baby clothes and accoutrements I set aside a few of my favorite items – an earthy mint/chocolate onesie, a snarky hispster t-shirt from a local cupcake shop, a pair of flannel pants with silly monkeys on them. Those things are for my Bean, and if she’s too big for them we’ll use them for play. But the rest of it is just ghosting. And looming large. It’s time to let someone else’s Bean warm it. I’m not giving up, and I’m not shoving aside grief. I’m just taking baby steps, awkward and sudden as they may be, toward the reality that we won’t have a small friend in our home for at least another year. Best to make room for other things, and other dreams right now.
We’ve let go We are I am trying to let go of the need to make a decision about our next move. Babies don’t do that! They just take a step! We’re still reeling from the feeling that our “last chance” was taken away from us. We know that it wasn’t, really, and that we can choose to rearrange our travel plans to allow for a last chance sooner than March. So we have a little sense of control over this act’s finale. But we may choose to just let it end here.
Tomorrow we are meeting with the Director of Services at Amara. I was surprised and pleased to get an appointment there so soon. I read through their website again, and all their recent newsletters and blog posts, and I really feel like it’s the place for us if we choose to move forward with adoption. I was really impressed by this post, in particular. Contrast it with the Journeys of the Heart email, and I think you’ll understand why I’m so psyched about our appointment there tomorrow. I’m nervous too.
It’s nerve wracking to think about laying ourselves bare to strangers – having our friends and family interviewed, writing about our respective childhoods, our parents, our siblings, our interests and intended parenting style. And then of course there’s my worry about attaching to a child who may or may not remain with us. And trying to balance the work of parenting and helping a vulnerable child feel safe with us. And…This is the part where you say “Hey, A, one step at a time!” One step at a time.