Fix you

You may have noticed I’ve been loathe to write lately. It’s not for lack of things to say. In my mind, there are mountains of words that arrange and then rearrange themselves, sometimes brightened by the sun of a new day and sometimes taking on  a dark, dusky purple.

It’s been almost a full year since a beloved friend cheerfully took on the awkward (and risky) task of asking the KD to consider helping us start a family. The last 11 months have not been easy for us. We’ve spent a significant amount of money and a tremendous amount of time to clear all the legal and medical hurdles that stood in the way of three rational, healthy adults enacting a carefully negotiated plan. So it seems fitting that in the twelfth month, on 9.3.12, we were finally able to coordinate an IUI with all the right drugs (four  from the allopathic tradition, two from the naturopathic tradition) with well timed acupuncture and purifying massage. It also seems appropriate that a Bean conceived this cycle will be a Gemini like me, the KD, and his younger brother, who died prematurely years ago.

I try to find small reasons to be hopeful – little serendipitous moments like a dandelion that retains three tufts after I’ve made my wish, or digging out the precise amount of change I need when I reach into my pockets. I am aware that my faith in these signs stands in direct opposition to my firm rooting in a scientific discipline. But I also know that sometimes hope prevails where science fails.

And so when I spotted The Bean Cafe yesterday while we waited to board the ferry from San Juan Island, I raced to take a picture of the two of us in front of it. R protested when I suggested pointing to her uterus, but she gamely donned an apron from the cafe for a photo.

Tonight, after a week spent wrestling with hope and realism, I have Coldplay’s Fix You stuck in my head. I don’t know which part of that song is causing the reverberation. Even though it’s dusk, I’m going to choose this line:

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

Wherever Bean is, I hope the path is well lit, and leads toward home.

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5 responses to “Fix you

  1. This post brings tears to my eyes! Such love and hope I have for you two smart, kind wonderful women. It was a special joy to have spent the last 10 days with you. All my love, J

  2. You will get pregnant this cycle! I know it! I will be so happy for you and can’t wait to congratulate you. I love that song by the way.

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