Learning to let go

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and that is mostly because there was nothin’ much doin’ (as my Grandma likes to say). This month’s day 3 ultrasound suggested it would have been a perfect month to TTC because R had a really high antral follicle count (AFC). The AFC is one indicator of the probability of a successful medicated cycle; if it’s fairly high, there’s a good chance that more than one follicle will mature, which increases the odds of conception. Last month the AFC was too low, and this month it was so high that Dr. T was fretful about the possibility of quadruplets! It’s feast or famine over here, people!

After a lot of frantic communiques between west coast cities and east Africa, we realized the KD’s travel schedule wasn’t going to match up well to R’s peak fertility this month, so we decided to wait. As time passes and we get further and further away from our original plan, I’m learning to let go. I’m letting go of my false sense of control, my perception of time (and therefore urgency), my desire to have everything work out as planned, and my fear. I’m more able to see this as part of the journey of parenthood, and not the means to it. I’m more willing to give time to other dreams and interests and let this one take its own time to flourish.

I’m not giving up, and I’m not losing hope. I’m just letting go.

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