So I’ve been reading Pamela Druckerman’s book, Bringing up Bebe, because I am a closet Francophile and a sucker for a good media sell (apparently). I’m about one-third of the way through the book, and at this point, I’d say the key lesson of French parenting is that patience is a not only a virtue, but it can be taught and expected. There’s some irony in my timing–reading the book at the exact period of my life where my patience is greatly tested while my resolve is only strengthening.
It’s a good lesson for me because until now, I’ve never had any difficulty achieving what I want to achieve. I hope that doesn’t sound boastful, because that’s not how I intend it. I just mean that I’m a striver, and I usually succeed. So struggling to meet one of the most basic human desires is a bitter pill. But it’s teaching me something that I desperately needed to learn.
In case you haven’t guessed already, we learned on Tuesday that the cycle failed. I left for Africa on Wednesday, hastily scribbling reminders for R since her in-house fertility coordinator would be on the other side of the planet. We corresponded with our doctor, who was on vacation but still responded to let us know she thinks it’s worth another try with the current med regimen. R did all the leg work to get ready for another round, but yesterday’s ultrasound revealed some problems that will prevent us from trying this cycle.
I think we are both handling this latest setback with grace (tho R is sleeping, so I can’t really be sure), but I’m sad to learn that we won’t be parents until after I’ve graduated, which is significantly different from what we intended. We had dreams of me being able to leverage the final phase of my student life to care for Bean. It’s sad to let that dream go, and scary to face the reality of both of us having to work full-time with a new baby, though I know most of the world does it and our dream was a privileged one.
For now I’m trying to be present where I am, and work to my full capacity, breathing life into my other dreams.
Thanks so much for your kind wishes, earnest prayers, and good thoughts. We continue to absorb them, even in the face of disappointment.