No Bean

Well friends, there’s no Bean yet. In some ways, the failed cycles are getting easier to handle because we are familiar with the disappointment–it’s not such a shock anymore. But in other ways I think we feel a bit more desperate because our fear that maybe this will never work rises in proportion to the number negative pregnancy tests we’ve thrown in the garbage. We’re trying to hold on to hope, appreciate the journey, and acknowledge our grief and frustration without stewing in it.

For me, the hardest part has been watching other friends and family members getting pregnant with ease and trying to celebrate their good news when it reminds me of my own pain. R doesn’t experience this, and I wonder if part of my struggle is due to knowing that I definitely cannot have children, or I’m just more prone to jealousy. Jealousy is such a useless emotion, and I’m really trying to remove it from my palette. At the same time, I have to love myself in spite of my imperfections, which are plentiful.

Last month I spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with KD’s attorney, trying to coordinate all the legal paperwork we have to complete. She spoke briefly about her attempts to conceive and her struggle to become a parent. She and her husband have adopted two children, and it wasn’t easy. We commiserated a bit, and then she said “If you really want to be parents, you will be parents. The only way you won’t become parents is if you stop trying.” I really appreciated her words, and will try to hold onto them today. It’s hard to fight back my inner cynic, who reminds me that the attorney likely has more disposable income that can be directed toward trying to become a parent. I think the biggest challenge is not so much the frustration about the time invested in this journey or even its unknown result, but draining our financial reserves and knowing that our resources for this venture are finite. Sigh. I’m such a worrier. I’m taking suggestions for how to be more secure in the moment. Feel free to chime in! Until then, I’ll be calling all the key players to ramp up for another round.


6 responses to “No Bean

    • Thanks so much for the sympathy! 🙂 My friend told me that we could have free IVF in Israel, but apparently we’d have to convert to Judaism. That sounds like a long process, and I’m not big on lying or deception. So, drat.

  1. thinking of you, my dear friend. i wish i had some comforting words to share that would take all of your pain away. know that i love you and am sending you and R a huge ass virtual hug right now. xoxoxox

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